Lesson 20: Wegmans Carries Bastard Turkeys

The girls and I were driving past Wegmans last week on the way to a Saturday afternoon trip to the mall with my sister.  Karen, who has always been a person who thinks out loud, said, "Oh! I wonder what frozen bastard turkeys are?"   Bewildered, I followed her eyes to the large sign in the front lawn of Wegmans along Peach Street.  I said to her, "That says frozen BASTED turkeys, you idiot!'  Spoken with true love from the heart from her only sibling. 

I turned slowly backwards to make an eye to eye connection with my daughter Ellen, as she was the only other person in the car who caught the flub.  Eric and Natalie flanked her on either side.  There she goes again, my middle child stuck once again in the middle.  A rose between two thorns. 

We laughed together until the Barnes and Noble traffic light.  When my sides stopped hurting, I thought it was over, but it had only just begun.  It was then that Karen spoke again.  She said, "You know, speaking of turkeys, I am thinking of taking up hunting."  And so my Thanksgiving story begins.

Karen went on for the next ten minutes giving reasons as to why she was considering this fun, new hobby.  They are as follows:

• Jack will be turning 12 next August and will be old enough to do it.
• Since she has taken up running, Karen prefers hoofing it through the trails of Harborcreek Community Park.  Apparently while she is communing with nature in this way hunting crossed her mind.
• She wants Jack to be with a parent when he hunts and Steve gets to take him fishing, so she volunteered to take over the hunting responsibilities.
• According to Karen, she has had some experience with shooting both arrows and bullets and is a good shot.

Ellen and I just sat and listened and tried to interject while she prattled on and on.  For those of you who know Karen, it is very difficult to get a word in when she is on a roll.  Ellen and I used Natalie's echolalia to our advantage.  We would tell Natalie "Say shut up, Aunt Karen."  A "Shut up Aunt Karen." would bounce right back.  Even Erik squeaked.

We tried to tell her that flame orange was not her best color.  She countered by saying that she was thinking of looking for a coat more the hue of pumpkin.  We also told her that her new svelte figure would be covered up in a bulky Carhart.  She said that she would try to find one that is a little more fitted.  We warned her that you could not use perfume, text, or talk on the phone while hunting.  This she was aware of  this but thought maybe adding the use of a cell phone would revolutionize hunting.  Hunting needed a make-over and Karen determined that she was just the person to bring it up to date, make it a little more hip.  She could post deer tracks on Facebook in the matter of seconds. 

Any argument we tried, she had an even better answer for.  But as always, Karen saved the best for last.  I told her that we just could not see her holding a camouflaged bow and that camouflage was just too boring.  "Not if you bedazzle your bow," she replied. 

Folks, hunting is about to get GLAMOROUS.  Hence the song posting above.  Karen will get those bastard turkeys one way or another, even if she has to distract them with bling.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  I am thankful for my sister who can ALWAYS bring a smile to my face, no matter how hard my day is. 

Elosie